What would happen if I said what I really want to say about ignorance, miseducation, research and statistical data on homeschoolers including how they fare far above all other schooling methods out the gates in college? What about the bulging Pandora’s box of in-school bullying, early usage of drugs, sexting starting in elementary school (yup), athletic burnout by middle school, and on and on. It’s not why we homeschool and I don’t believe institutional education is a bad choice, but if they want to play that game maybe I should just agree to play. Nah. I know it wouldn’t make a difference except then I’d be the jerk.

Instead I will offer *special* stories of my children’s valor and independence. A good quip or two about the wonders of well-adjusted humans at the hands of home educators should do the trick.

Heres one:

On a recent weekend my two bright, articulate and well-educated sons got into a fight over tiny plastic military figures at a one-year-old’s birthday party. One ended up with a bloody nose and was cared for by a troop of tiny toddlers until I was alerted that something was wrong. They were the oldest children present, providing an amazing example for the younger set with their obvious display of brotherly love. I’m certain all those parents are still gushing about our prowess as caretakers and educators.

There is also the time I was trying to buy running shoes and the two of them played “ram the wheelchair” up and down the store isles while I just simply yelled at them from my perch, determined to do something linear like try on a freaking pair of shoes. Neither of them are physically handicapped, by the way, and neither of them took heed of my *gentle* prodding toward proper public behavior.

I bought no shoes that day.

At our house we have an unholy amount of high water pants, bare feet in the street, brother brawls on the front lawn and odd entrepreneurial enterprises poured onto our neighbor’s doorsteps. Like the time the kids eagerly sold dirt up and down the block. They made pretty good money, too.

Or maybe I should mention how one of them held a giant beetle for the three hour bus ride home from camp just to keep it as a pet. Or how the other one demanded we call him “Nim the Kitty Cat” for a whole year followed by “Sonic” for another three.

Totally normal, acceptable behavior. We’re just so proud.

I know this is the freakish and socially defunct proof they want of our utter failure to blend with the culture at large. It’s all true so sometimes I just give it to them straight up.

After all, this inquisition isn’t interested in facts or statistics. No matter what I say, they will cling to their childhood memories of the one over-the-top, painfully odd kid they either knew or heard about who was definitely homeschooled. We’ve never ever seen anything like that in traditional schooling, have we?

Anyway, my kids could make Weird Al look uniform so why fight it.

But they are 100% as well-adjusted (and as weird) and as “social” as other children of different schooling methods, if by social we mean the ability to interact with other humans. Homeschoolers are typically even more well socialized than their peers when you place them in a group of mixed ages or adults. They are not used to being classified by age.

It’s the strangest thing, really.

What would happen if your boss came in one day and announced there would be several new projects to complete and then proceeded to group all the employees by age. “Everyone who is 30 will be on project A. All you 31s on project B…” and so on with no regard to skills, gifting, experience, etc. Imagine that in a hospital setting and it seems even wackier!

Frankly, it’s socially awkward.

Life doesn’t function at it’s highest level this way and if we’re honest, neither does education.

So what about the social?

Interestingly enough if my last name was Jolie or Paltrow no one would ask this question. Instead, my kids would be filed under the more glamorous heading of private tutoring. My husband and I would be envied for our financial prowess that allows for such a high level of personal care and individualized education.

Surprise! That is exactly what we do here, people, but without the collagen fillings.